hi, how're you

i think that's the first thing english people ask each other when they see an aquaintance. hi, how're you. except they say it really fast, so it actually sounds haihaa(r)ya, and sometimes it takes a moment to register whether or not they're speaking in English, but yeah. hi, how're you?

i'd usually answer with a quick, "good". and ask them what they've asked me. it's easier than going into details, you know. sometimes i wonder, why did i work for the grades back in IB, SPM, PMR, UPSR, (PTS?). was it really so that i could come here, and study to become a doctor? or study, just for the sake of studying, for the sake of making my parents proud, for the sake of not letting down others. i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it's something i ponder about.

because i feel so tired. so tired of being sad, and constantly putting up a front about it. so tired of being around people whose company i don't actually mind (most of the time) and still wish i were around people who i actually care about instead.

i'd like to think that i know myself. i know that i like the experience of being in a new and somewhat daunting environment, and i also know that don't make friends easily. usually it doesn't take much to balance these two and i'd somehow manage, but now it feels so...hard. i know everyone feels the way i do, albeit to different degrees, and probably deal with it differently than i do, but everyone else seems to be holding up so much better than i am.

before leaving i thought i could cope with it, but i miss so many things from back home. and i miss so many people, even the ones that i wasn't even particularly close to, to the extent of finding familiar facial features in strangers.

summer feels like a lifetime away.