sometimes i wonder when was the exact turning point, when things got "complicated".
emotions used to be easier, if such a thing could ever be said about emotions, but truth is, age just messes things up. when you were younger, and your mom never paid attention to your paintings instead gushed over your sister's, it was jealousy. when you got full marks on a test, it was happiness, and it was never about the wondering whether it was just a lucky strike, or a one time deal.
as you got older, and your dad got you a different kind of barbie doll with a red dress instead of the one with the blue dress you wanted, you were torn between feeling grateful and sad. it was confusing and conflicting but at least they were tangible enough to be named, like they came with their own nametags. easy, neat, and could be put away in a box and tucked away in the corners of your mind if you wanted to.
you see, i was never close to my great-grandmother. right since i was a small girl, the only word i could use to describe her was that she was "old". we never saw each other often, usually at kenduris or hari raya, occasionally we go back to her house to visit, but generally she remained a fleeting thought. i had trouble understanding what she was saying, because there was a gruffness in her voice which only came after you once you've lived close to a century. still, i looked forward to kissing her hand on hari raya, not expecting anything in return, no money packets nor funny comments about how much i've grown. in all the photographs i've seen of her, she never once looked different to me. she remained a constant in my life, never changing against the strong currents.
today we received news of her death, and i feel terrible because i just don't know what to feel.
